ℳelancholy ⋆˚࿔

Often times I have found myself spiralling at 3 am , holding my breath and telling myself that “ The world will continue to spin, the sun will rise again tomorrow “ but the truth is, the world did stop spinning.

The world stopped for me 3 months ago, most days I am still stuck at that dreadful day. Still shaking , still trembling. Stuck in the second the news came to me. Yes the world continues to spin around me , time still moves forward. I am 21 now but somewhere along it all, I’m still stuck in November. Hoping , praying to a god who refuses to listen to me, that you will come back, that these months have been nothing but a horrid nightmare I will soon wake from and hear you yell at me for over sleeping and missing class again.

Yes, the sun still rises but it no longer shines , the previous warmth we used to enjoy now pricks and burns at my skin as if it holds some grudge against my very existence. The smell of cigarettes and fresh tea, the same time every day, it’s still the same, I know but somehow it feels wrong. The same nooks and corners we sat at not too long ago now feel haunted, ghosts of a past I can’t let go of still sit there. Sharing food and lame jokes I will ache to hear again.

Everything is the same but everything is different. Nothing changed but nothing has remained either. The people are still the same , nobody really changed but I can’t recognise them anymore. We sit together sometimes but the silence in between each pause is no longer comforting, rather it stretches between us like time itself mocking our façade of normalcy.

Grief, no this isn’t grief, is it ? it’s anger, fear, cold reality forcing a soul who is still stuck in the past to move to a future I am unwilling to face. I think forever a part of me will be stuck there. a portion of my soul taken and stuck in a world that will never exist again.

Somedays I want to be who I was before , I want to laugh without drowning , I want to feel the sun shine again. I want to feel whole again but days go by and I lose more and more of who I used to be, each day a cruel reminder that the girl I was is just as cold as you.

That day I think I died too, parts of myself that were so effortless now demand me to put constant effort to even exist. Funny isn’t it ? the dead are just. gone. and we have to live with those broken shattered pieces and slowly build something out the mess.

Someday I wish I can look back at this mess of a text and smile, tell myself I made it . Found a new me, but till then . I don’t grieve you, I know my friend, you are in a far better place. happier and painless now. No, I grieve my own self , and the life I will have to live without the sound of your voice, and laugh. I grieve the plans we had made. I grieve us, and now I will miss you for longer than I knew you.